2 Heterosexual Males Seek Life Coach To Teach Them To Be More Dynamic...(will be paid in alcohol & tattoos)

While David was trying to numb a toothache with pints of lager & whiskey we both came to the conclusion that we need life coaches. I'm 33 & he's 35 & neither of us know how to do anything. I know a little about what I want but abso-fuckin-lutely nothing about how to acquire it. I'm not an idiot. I can pay my bills, dress myself & get to work on time but when it comes to adult things like getting insurance, buying a house, investing wisely I'm more confused than me trying to figure out a witty metaphor to finish this sentence. I was totally unprepared to figure out interest rates or when to refinance, when to buy when to sell. I mean what is this shit? I want somebody I can trust to tell me who to hand my money to so I can get what I need because thats all I understand. This is why I work behind a bar, you give me money , I give you alcohol, just leave at 2:00...